|Here's something for only the most rabid fan of my very crude and yet somehow popular
online series, Retarded Animal Babies.
Around September of 2003, after finishing up the big eleven-minute-long fifth episode "Dungeons & Chistwagons," a production
that took roughly a month to produce, I wrote this script for a full-length RAB movie (well, all
right, so it'd probably only end up being around 40-50 minutes long by my best estimate). I
figured if I can take a month to make something eleven minutes long, I should spend a year and make
a whole damn theatrical-length MOVIE! I don't think it's ever been done: a full-length animated
feature produced, directed, and animated by one person. And if it has been done, I don't want
to hear about it, mostly because I don't really care.
And anyway, I won't be attempting this feat anytime soon. At least, not with this script. It's awful.
Now, I think there are some funny lines in this clunker that I could and should rip off if I ever get around to making more RAB shorts (so don't feel gypped if anything in here gets used elsewhere), and it has the merit of having been written in about five hours, including lyrics for a half dozen original songs (!!). But I'd need the help of a professional crack screenwriter (on crack, preferably) to get a legitimately enjoyable film off the ground with these characters.
Until then, if you really feel you must, here's a very roughly laid out script for an untitled RAB movie. If you know the characters well enough, you shouldn't have too hard a time envisioning this turd of a movie in your mind's eye. And now, for your endurement:
Untitled RAB Movie
(Morning. Animals get up in their various beds during opening credits)
(Bunny and Hamster are on farmyard, joined later by dog)
Bunny: What a great day. I are the happiest, most special bunny!
Hamster: It are sad being an orphan on a day like today.
Bunny: Don't be sad.
Hamster: It are sad.
Bunny: Let's go eat cheese...then we will be happy!
Dog: Top of the morning, assholes!
Bunny: Not even you can spoil our morning. The sun is shining. Birds are birding. If I wore pants, they would be truly the brownest of happy stained pants. Come on, hamster, let's go get some tasty cheese from Mrs. Cow. Her nipples are ripest in the morning.
Hamster: Nipples help me learn how to count!
Bunny: That's right, hamster!
Dog...Holy shit...you're gonna sing already?
8 is for NIPPLES!
That's good enough for me.
When I'm feelin' milky
And I want some vitamin D
1 is for peepee
2 is big brown poopsis
3 is for tricycle
4 is FOR that's what it is
Then I lose track of
all the happy numbers in between
'Cause 5 and 6 and seven
are too big for my small brain
But EIGHT is for nipples
and that's good enough for me
And I'll drinky drinky drinky
Won't you have a drink....with me!
(lotsa of animals gather 'round!)
EIGHT IS FOR NIPPLES
THAT'S GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME
WHEN YOU'RE FEELIN MILKY
(just the dog:) And they're 36 double-D!!
EIGHT IS FOR NIPPLES
Makin' buttermilk for ME!
Smack me with some dairy
AND I'M HAPPY...AS...CAN...BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
Bunny: C'mon, dog! Have some tasty buttermilk and cheese with us on this fine, fine--
(SMACK!! Dog bitch slaps him very, very hard)
Dog: Save your goddamn magic cheese sunrise bullshit, for fuck's sake, man! Farmer Dandy sold Mrs. Cow.
Cat: Yeah, that's what I heard, too. I heard he's on the drugs.
Bunny: But....but what of the cheese?
Ham: I don't have a mommy....all I had was Mrs. Cow's tasty, warm udder treats. Now I don't even have that. Life is like a box of intestine chocolates.
Dog: Well, we've still got Mr. Bull. Why don't you see what HE'S got to suck on.
Bunny: Ew. His milk is too salty.
(Meanwhile...in the barn...Donkey is having a tea party with a pinecone, a bale of hay, and a jar full of poo)
Donkey: I like tea. It's like pork, without the meat. What do you think, jar of poo?
Jar of poo: (British accent) The nutty tone is a trifle underplayed, but I am particularly enjoying the fruity, sequined sparkle of aftertaste....like a melange of raspberries and Christmas...wouldn't you agree bale of hay?
Hay (another Brit, but more nasal and perturbed): Quite right, but a Christmas without snow...it beckons of unfulfilled promises and a soiled diaper. This is the shittiest tea I've ever drunk frankly, and being hay, I'm very parched and quite desperate, so coming from me, that's saying something.
Donkey: My friends make me feel smartiest!
Pinecone: (bossy, and yes, British as well, like all imaginary friends!) You're not our friend. You are merely our donkey servant. Now fetch us some crumpets, chop-chop...spit-spot...
Donkey: But I already shit to the last drop into all these here little cups...
Jar of poo: Then it's off to the fields, isn't it?
Hay: Off you go, lad! Surely Mr. BULL has fresh new crumpets for us this fine morning, what-what?
Pinecone: Run along, there's a lad
(Donkey is combing the fields for cow feces)
Donkey: Hello, dog. I'm crumpet-rooting. It am hard today.
Dog: Another tea party, assneck?
Donkey: Yup. My friends make me feel smartiest. I does what I'm tole.
Dog: Well, good luck. We're only down to one cow. Farmer's sellin' em.
Donkey: Hot, buttered farts on a Sunday. No foolin'? Even Mrs. Cow?
Dog: It's true, man...Mr. Bull has been in the barn all day cryin' his eyes out. Or masturbating. What difference does it make to me. Everyone on Earth makes me sick, and I can't wait for you all to die.
(dog turns to leave to leave)
Donkey: Well, shit on toast and take her dancin'.
Dog: What does that mean?
Donkey: Uh. I can't rightly say!
Dog: (squinting eyes) can't...or won't?
Donkey: Uh... ...potatoes?
Dog: (squinting more) ...I don't trust you southerners. You're like American foreigners. To an American.
Donkey (after beat): I like dinosaurs!
(exterior mini-mart gas station...Squiggly Wiggly? 7-10? Quick-Stop?)
(Jay and Silent Bob cameo?)
(int. long line of people behind Farmer Dandy buying lottery tickets from fat broad with a mustache)
Farmer Dandy: And lemme just git one of them thar Easy Money Buckets...
Fat lady: Shore thing there Dandy.
(takes penny from penny-holder and rubs ticket - causing sighs from people in line)
Farmer Dandy: Now there you go! Five dollars. Gimme three of the Taj Mahal Lucky Spots, and a string of beef -- NO! I'm feelin' frisky....OSTRICH jerky.
Guy #1 (to guy #2): Why is it always me? Why do I always get stuck behind the goddamn fuckin' lottery ticket assholes?
Guy #2: Well at least you're not stuck behind the asshole behind the lottery asshole.
(guy #1 gives guy #2 a double-take)
Farmer Dandy: DANGIT, NUTHIN! CONsarned ostrich jerky! You cost me! I shoulda spent the money on Lucky Spots insteada you! Now I've got NUTHIN! I'm almost out of cows to sell. I'm already down to thinkin' 'bout using mah daughter for milkin'. And if I sells mah sheep, I'm gonna have to start having sex with the wife! DAGNABBIT!
Fat lady: Well don't look at me.... after I stepped on a mine in Korea, they sewed my nethers shut. NEXT!
(farmer goes home, dejected...hot teenage daughter Sally on computer watching animated toons, the cat is resting on the monitor)
Sally: Hey pop! Still got some hog's neck stew on the stove.
Farmer Dandy: Thanks Sally...Daddy's little helper. I just want you to know that I jes' LUVS you and yer Maw, and I won't never let you down.
Sally: That's very sweet. But Lottery tickets aren't gonna cut it Dad.
Farmer Dandy: Ah know...but without lottery ticket's, I'd have to....
Farmer Dandy: UGH! Now, Sally...MIND THE BLASPHEMIN'! Now whatchoo looking at on this here contraption?
Sally: Well, there's this wonderful thing called the internet, Dad...it lets you watch cartoons without tying up the TV. You can also write letters to your friends...although I don't have any friends that can actually write...
Farmer Dandy: Well be humble now, Sally. Not ever-one's gonna afford the fancy high-fallootin' edumacation you got from gradin' school.
(AIM pops up from "xXx_ROKKER_xXx"..."sally i want ur tits lol")
(she closes the window in disdain....uncovering what she was looking at before)
Sally: This one's my favorite Bungi episode...
(zoom into computer screen..."Bungi's Happy Plants" plays...starts with the typical Bungi/wheelbarrow scene, Bungi walks up to Dudley the robot)
Dudley: Hey Bungi! What's with the wheelbarrow?
Bungi: It's springtime! Time to harvest fresh vegetables to feed the hungry children!
Dudley: Wow! You're the gooderest do-gooder that ever dude good!
Bungi: Yes, yes I know. My heart is big. I love sharing, and kindness, and I love...LOVE.
Dudley: Do you think a big, cold, titanium-plated robot like me could ever feel this way, Bungi?
Bungi: Oh, Dudley...my good friend. Not a fucking chance.
Dudley: Wow, you are just THAT good.
Bungi: Well, I'm off like a junior prom dress at midnight...
Dundley: So long, pal! You're Bungi-rific!
(Bungi goes into big greenhouse full of weed...starts filling up wheelbarrow with gigantic, pink buds)
Bungi: These fresh vegetables will make everyone's frown turn upside-down!
(gangstas enter greenhouse...tricked out in bling-bling)
Ice-Bergman (big black dude wearing star of David around neck): Yo Bungi. You got our shit?
Bungi: I don't know Ice-Bergman. You got my happy children to feed?
Ice-Bergman: Uh....yeah...this'll feed....uh...whole lotta chillens.
(he takes weed...stuffs into briefcase, they all pull out nines sideways-Woo-style)
Fatback Greenbaum: We'll just be takin dis shit off yo hands now Bungi....we ain't GOTS ta pay you nuthin' neither.
Bungi: sigh...you silly Jewish gangstas. I never ask for money and you know it. I have LOVE to give...and it's not for sale!
(gangstas all look at each other, look back, open fire into Bungi with tremendous violent butchery....Bungi's shredded limb from limb)
(cut back to living room where everyone, including the cat, are watching the computer in awe)
Sally: Huh huh! Good ol' Bungi.
Farmer Dandy: Cartoons on the computer. What's next? Sally...can a man have sex on this thing?
Sally: Dad...gross! And yes.
Farmer Dandy: Hmm. Aw, hell anywho...enjoy your li'l shows while you cain. Poppa's gotta sell your toys for more lottery tickets!
Sally: Dad...NO! I do my homework on this thing too, you know.
Farmer Dandy: When I was a boy we'd do our homework with toothpicks 'n syrup! Off you go now, I don't want no more lip about it! I reckon I'm about to SELL this here farm and I don't need you gum-flappin at me about some dang-busted TV-typewritin' thang!
(cat perks up at mentioning of the farm selling)
(turns to leave)
Sally: You know what? Since you're not letting me do my schoolwork....why don't I just drop out? Get a job somewhere washing dishes?
Farmer Dandy: Aw, Sally, yew DO luv your Poppa. That money shore would help us out.
Sally: Right....think of the Powerball tickets it'll buy.
Farmer Dandy: That's m'GIRL!
(she tsks/sighs and storms upstairs)
Farmer Dandy: ...What?
(door slams...he cringes)
Farmer Dandy: Dang. Ever since them breastisses popped out, I just don't git that girl.
(Maw calls from back room)
Maw: DANDY! MAH TOES NEED FLOSSIN'!
Farmer Dandy (cringing again): Comin' Maw...
(dusk in the farmyard...cat bounds across grounds....over sheep...under fence...into barn where other animals are all hanging out...he's singing to himself)
They're gonna sell the farm....
They're gonna sell the farm...
I was born here ...sheep are shorn here...this will do us all great harm...
I am alarmed....
Soon we'll have no home...
Nowhere to call our own...
Chickens lay eggs here...there's horse legs here....but soon I'll be alone...
Chilled to the bone...
This can't be!
I can't believe my friends are leaving
I'd rather drink a rancid bag of pee...
....than have to leave...
....I can't believe...
Have to warn my friends
This can't be the end
I eat food here...and I sleep here...on this place I do depend
Oh, I'm saddened
My house is being sold tomorrow
This is IT!
Will no one help us animal babies?
....stay off the streets...
....run faster feets...
(Cat runs into barn...out of breath)
Bunny: Hey cat! I'm idiotically happy this evening!
Cat: That's nice, bunny. Enjoy that.
Hamster: Why is kitty sad?
Cat: Everyone, I've got the crappiest news that ever crapped into our mouths.
Donkey: Dang! I forgot the crumpets. My friends is gone be SORE with me...
Dog: What are you talking about, cat?
Cat: Farmer Dandy....is selling the farm.
Bunny: (blubbering) Where...where will I be happy now?
Dog: There, there.
Bunny: (goes fucking hysterical!) NOO! I WILL BE HAPPY! This can't happen. IT WONT HAPPEN...I'll not LET it happen...MUST be HAPPY....CAN'T NOT BE HAPPY...I are HAPPY!! HAPPY!!!!! HAAAPPPYYYY!!!!!!
(dog meanwhile exits frame, returning with a very large boot...and smashes it over Bunny's head eleven or twelve times...once bunny is a smushed pulp, dog tosses boot away and looks thoughtful)
Dog: You know, Bunny's right.
Cat: We can't let this happen.
Hamster: Bruce Willis wouldn't let this happen!
Dog: Are we gonna let this happen??
Cat: Are we gonna die alone in a sewer full of bottlecaps, banana peels and broken dreams?
Donkey: Are we gonna flap my noodle and wonky plinky plop-plop fourteen?
(everyone looks at Donkey...and then back at each other)
Dog: All right then! We've got a farm to save, animal babies!
(night falls on barn full of happy, cheering animals)
(fade out and into another sunny, bright day....chickens pecking...pigs chewing. Dog, cat, donkey, hamster and bunny are all in a circle in the dandelions, figuring out what they could do)
Cat: We can't rule out tapdancing for nickels.
Dog: Nickels aren't enough. Farms cost...what? Like fifty dollars?
Donkey: I brought one of my friends....maybe he can help!
Dog: Donkey, your jar of poo isn't going to help us save the farm. It's just going to tell you to shave everyone's balls in the middle of the night again.
Donkey: Well, pinecone said it'd make candy fall from the sky, and I does what I'm TOLE.
Hamster: Can't we just make money by being cute and friendly?
Bunny: Hamster's right! Am there nothing more better than cute animals?
Cat: OK, but where? Where can we be cute and make money?
(they all think)
(Dog looks at him wide-eyed and raises a finger....then changes facial expression to lazy-eyed disapppointment and smacks him over the head)
Dog: NO. Nobody lives in California. It's too cold there.
Cat: What about Iowa?
Dog: See? Now you're thinkin'.
Cat: Cool! Because we're already IN Iowa!
(Sally looks out window at animals)
Sally: Aww....the animals are all so CUTE sitting together out there.
(She grabs a video camera and starts filming them)
Bunny: OK, let's all practice our cuteness!
Dog: Cool! First I'll lick my balls!
Cat: I'll stand on your head while you do that!
Donkey: Can I do something with my belly?
Hamster: I will jump on it! And make a high-pitched noise!
(Sally is filming all this)
Sally: Holy fuck. What are they doing?
Hamster: EEEEEEP!! EEEEEEP!! EEEEEEEP!!
Dog: Yeah....I'm enjoying being cute....I'm soo....ngaughghhhhhh
(semen gets in cats hair)
Cat: Weird...I think it's raining curried mayonnaise...
(Hamster jumps too high....gets stuck in cat's sticky hair)
(Bunny is just sitting in the middle, smiling extremely wide the entire time)
Bunny: My cheeks are starting to hurt...
Donkey: Oh, dear...my tummy's gettin' rumbly....
(Donkey SHITS all over the other animals....they all lay motionless....a big, chocolate stew)
(Sally puts her camera down)
Sally: Jesus H. Potato-farming Christ.
(She plugs camera into computer and uploads the video onto her website)
Sally: My friends aren't gonna believe this...
(Farmer Dandy walks in)
Farmer Dandy: Good news, Sally! A man answered mah ad. He's gone gimme TWENNY WHOLE DOLLARS for that thar contraption.
Sally: But...I spent sixteen hundred dollars on this thing just two months ago! You know how much pole I had to smoke for that money???
Farmer Dandy: Cigarettes is bad for you, honey-lamb.
(He takes the machine away...)
Sally: But....but...you can't just...
(Farmer smiles at her lovingly...completely clueless....leaves room)
(night...donkey's outside building something out of straw...with his three inert friends "loking on")
Donkey (singing to himself...to the tune of "someone's in the kitchen with Dinah"): Someone's in the chicken's vagina....someone's in the chicken I know I know....someone's in the chicken's VAGINA! Hear the word of our Lord!
(Sally comes storming out of the house hauling an overstuffed suitcase....she chucks it into her VW bug and drives off)
Pinecone: The farmer's daughter has flown the coop.
Bale of Hay: Soon the house will be empty, guv'na!
Jar of Poo: Build faster, donkey!
Donkey: I does what I'm tole!
(finish with a wide shot of the donkey's construction....an immense scarecrow with large, satanic horns)
(night...elsewhere in field....dog and cat hanging out under full moon...contemplating the future....the VW is seen driving into the distance)
Cat: I hear Sally' running away. People are leaving, dog. We have to hurry.
Dog: Tomorrow we go into town....the carnival's a good place to make some scratch. And get our dicks wet!
(hamster's head pops out from tall grass)
Hamster: Clowns are scary!
Bunny: No, hamster. Clowns aren't scary....they make you happy!
(Hamster looks at him kind of weird)
Hamster: Well, YOU'RE scary...
(carnival music bed!)
(transition: dissolve from bunny's smiling face to the smiling face of a clown, clown's head moves aside to reveal carnival scene...a small-town 4-H fair....clown re-enters frame as part of the wider shot, juggling flaming torches. Dog leads other four through the crowd)
Donkey: NGUH NGUH NGUH! PONIES HIPPOS RIDES and SNO-CONES!
Cat: Fuckin' A! I want to go on some rides!
Dog: We're not here to spend money, ass captain! We're here to make money!
Bunny: Aw, come on....one ride?
Dog: Fine...we can sneak into this one. But this is a small town. They can't afford very exciting rides here.
(Dog:) The 4-H Fair...
What better place to find despair
I do not care
To sit and stare
At things less interesting....than fat humans stinking... and their fat ass derrieres!
(Cat:) Are you insane?
Just 'cause it's small town doesn't mean it's lame!
It's got a plane! --(made out of a crate)
And candy canes!
And Billy Zane!
There's more to life than stewing....in our fucking sorrow...when we could be playing games!
So big and scary to me, I'm twitching
There's a swing!
And another thing!
How can you sing?
I'm too small and brown....there's very scary clowns....why are they terrorizing?
(people are starting to gather around them...listening to them sing)
(Bunny): No, have a taste! --(shoves sno-cone into hamster's mouth)
We'll find our fortune in this shiny place!
No time to waste!
Let's have a race!
No eating paste!
If you won't have fun....then I've got this gun....I'll fucking shoot you in the face
(people start laughing and clapping while the bunny shoots at the other animals' feet, making them dance)
(all:) The 4-H fair!
(BANG! BANG! BANG!)
THE 4-H FAIR!
(BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG!!!)
(dancing furiously!!!! big finish!)
(crowd claps and cheers!)
(people disperse, leaving animals amidst a field of shiny nickels, dimes and quarters)
(Cat picks up a penny and holds it shimmering in the air)
Cat: This is more money than I have ever seen in my entirest life, ever.
Dog: There must be at least a DOLLAR here!!
Bunny: We're RICH!!!
Donkey: Now we can buy a SHINY SPEEDBOAT and RIDE IT STRAIGHT DOWN TO HELL!!!!!!!
Hamster: HOORAY! I mean...whatchoo talkin 'bout, Donkey?
(everyone's looking at donkey...donkey nervously puts on happy airs)
Donkey: Er...I cain't rightly say! Heeyuk! Funny donkey!!!
(Dog squints at him...then starts picking up money)
Dog: C'mon guys....let's get out of here before the tax man comes.
(They clean up...dog still eyeing donkey warily)
(Dissolve to nighttime roadside with adjacent fance....animals are walking along road....hamster and cat along top of fence...dog carrying big sack of coins)
Dog: Let's take this to Mr. Horse to count for us.
Cat: There's gotta be enough here to save the farm.
Bunny: How much are farms?
Hamster: Farms am a lot. XYZ hundred and wiggly dollars and a milli-vanillion cents.
Bunny: So what's that...more than a hundred?
Hamster: My don't know. I are only three.
Dog: Well if this ain't enough...we'll just go back tomorrow and make some more.
Bunny: Or I could pop some caps in that fat bitch at the Quik-Stop and take all her money
(everyone stops and looks at him)
Donkey: What? What did I say now?
Cat: You didn't say anything this time, donkey.
Donkey: Oh, well I still like dinosaurs.
Dog: C'mon guys. It's fuckin' late and I've got half a dozen legs to hump when we get back.
(Cut to coins scattering on barn floor...a ancient grey horse looming over them and the animals)
Dog: Well, you've been counting all night, old timer. How much we got here:
(Horse starts counting with it's front hoof...CLOP CLOP CLOP...over and over and over)
Cat (to Dog): He's not stopping!
Bunny: It's a Christmas miracle!
Cat: It's July, retard.
Bunny: Oh. Hannukah?
(Dog looks suspiciously at hors and raises up his arms after a long while)
Dog: Wait, wait, wait...stop. Are you counting in DOLLARS? or PENNIES?
(Horse just looks back at him blankly)
Dog: Count in dollars.
Cat: A dollar.
Bunny: One dollar.
(after long pause)
Cat: We're DOLLARAIRES!!!!
Donkey: Pancakes and asphalt porcupine!
Hamster: Yippee-ki-yay, muthafucka!
Dog: OK! We keep the money in a safe place...and then we bring it to the Farmer tomorrow. Slip it under his pillow like the Tooth Faggot!
Cat: Sounds like a plan!
(wide shot of happy barn full of chittering happy animals)
(camera cranes down to reveal pinecone, jar of poo, and bale of hay in foreground, while music builds menacingly)
(cut to donkey walking around in field at dusk...dancing happily and singing to himself the little dum-de-dum song of the hamsterdance.com website)
Donkey: Dee-da-dee-da--dee-dee-doo-doo....Dee-do-dee-dee-do. DONKEY DANCE!
Bale of hay: What are you so happy about, lad?
Donkey: Oh, hello bale of hay. My friends and I made over a dollar today, dancing and singing at the fair! My friends make me smartiest!
Pinecone: Am I going insane, or did you just call THEM "your" friends?!?
Donkey: Oh, uh...no...please don't be mad, pinecone.
Jar of Poo: Nobody understands you the way we do, donkey.
Donkey: Oh, uh...I know....but you're really just a....jar of poo....OW...my head hurts from thinking...
(filming is very spiraled, colorful and psychological....donkey is cowering under the weight of his own opressive madness)
Bale of hay: You need us, donkey. WE make you smartiest.
Donkey: My friends ma--YOU...make...me smartiest. Heeyeah. Okeedokee.
Pinecone: And you'll do what you're told.
Donkey: YUP! I does what I'm tole.
Bale of Hay: There's a lad!
Jar of poo: So you made a DOLLAR, eh?
Donkey: Yup! Easier than butter on a pilgrim.
Pinecone: That'd buy a lot of GASOLINE, my dear boy.
Bale of Hay: Yes, quite right...GASOLINE is the ticket, chappy!
Jar of Poo: Gasoline....get the money...get us....the gasoline...
(all objects:) GASOLINE....GASOLINE...
Donkey: Oh...uh....well....OK....I does....what I'm....tole...
(voices calling out "GASOLINE, GASOLINE" echo into the waning light...reverberating and building with horrendous, forboding musical delirium)
(fade to black)
(fade up....rooster cockadoodling, early morning...dog is waking up animals from their various beds...the barn is completely empty except for them)
Dog: Wake up, wake up dipshit. You...get up. WAKE the fuck up. Uppy, uppy. Here comes puppy. Asses in the air.
Cat (squinting, looking around): Man, it's only morning o'clock. What the hell is so important?
Bunny: I'm not happy until noon. I could kill everyone here right now.
Hamster: It's true. He killed my mommy.
Dog: All right, shut up, everyone.
(Donkey comes out from haystack, yawning and scratching behind head)
Dog: Weeelll....good MORNING Mr. Donkey, sir! Up a little late last night, were we?
Donkey: I....can't rightly SAY...
Cat: Whoa...where's all the other aminals?
Bunny: Mr. Horse...Mr. Bull...we're all that's left.
Dog: Mmm-hmmm...but GOOOD THING WE'VE GOT ALL THAT MONEY so we can SAVE THE FARM, RIGHT Donkey??
Donkey: Uh...YUP! We shore got a....lot of gasoli-- I mean MONEY
Cat: What's going on? Did I miss something?
Dog: I'll say! Because you SLEEP! Not me...no...I NEVER TRUSTED THIS FOREIGN ASSHOLE...no sir not one BIT! Last night, while you losers were all sleeping...
(dissolve to flashback of previous night...show donkey in the darknes gathering up coins and running off with them)
Dog (v/o): He STOLE our precious, life-affirming nickels, and made off with them into the night!
Cat: (v/o): Dude! Why didn't you stop him?!?
Dog: (v/o): I TRIED! My tail was caught under something...very HEAVY...
(Show dog trying to go after donkey but tail is cuaght under jar of poo, with bale of hay and pinecone piled atop jar comically)
(dissolve back to barn....donkey moving away from other animals worriedly...gets backed into corner)
Donkey: Well, I guess my chickens is fried.
Dog: I GUESS THE FUCK SO.
Dog: YOU LIKE DINOSAURS?
Donkey: uh, YUP!
Dog: You like POTATOES?
Donkey: Oh, huh huh! Yuppers!
Dog: Ya like pelicans, poptarts, and paper clip platypus parades???
Donkey: YUH YUH YUH!!! Aha haha hurh huhh hur hur!!!
Dog: You like being tied up and left for dead?
Dog: GOOD, MOTHERFUCKER!! We're gonna--
Cat: Hey, look!
(car door slams....Farmer Dandy, and a really fat, fat woman (Maw) get into old pickup truck and drive away..."For Sale" sign has big red "SOLD" on top of it)
Cat: We're ka-fucky fuckeroo'ed.
(everyone looks at donkey accusingly)
(Bunny is seething....forehead veins popping...mutating under the pressure of his own psychoses)
(Hamster looks directly into camera)
Hamster: This is the part where bunny goes totally, completely, and in all other ways...apeshit.
(Bunny indeed goes apeshit...)
Bunny: BLLOOGH!!! BLOOGH!!!!!! BULGUGUGHGHGHGHG!!!! KILLMOMMY!!!! KILL!!!!!! KILL THE EARTH!!! KILL THE FUCKING EARTH!!!!! KILL THE FUCKING UNIVERSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11111
(Dog is in rafters, pulls a rope, tractor engine drops directly on top of bunny -- CRUNCH!!!)
(dog swings down on rope...walks over to engine while cat and hamster look on)
Dog: Feel better now?
(Bunny's head pops out of cylinder)
Bunny: Yes, thanks. But I'm still not happy.
Dog: Nor should you be. C'mon, everyone, there's still time. Let's go back to the fair today and get some more money. Donkey, you stay here and think about what you've done.
(Donkey's already totally tied up in three hundred pounds of rope)
Donkey (happily): I does what I'm tole!
(dissolve to: walking back along same road)
Cat: No big deal, right? We do another dance, make another dollar, and buy the farm back from whoever the fuck.
Hamster: Clowns are gonna eat me, clowns are gonna eat me...
Bunny: I don't know, guys....I'm not feeling very goddamn cute today...
(Bunny's head has a huge lump on it, and he has a black eye)
(Dog stops dead in his tracks, looks forward in shock...)
Dog: Well fuck me in the ass sideways, without petroleum jelly, forget my name, steal cab fare out of my jeans, and never, ever call me again.
(Fairgrounds are deserted; nothing left but scraps of trash here and there)
Bunny: Christwagons. That's it, man...GAME OVER, MAN...
Dog: Don't make me hurt you again...
Dog: That's OK! That's...OK, man...I'M sorry.
Hamster: OK, everyone! Let's all lie down and starve, on the count of THREE! One, four, eight, seventeen, HAM SALAD, KNIGHT RIDER...........THREE!
(they all lie down....and just lie there for about 10-15 seconds ....maybe longer...the breeze blows an occasional candy wrapper over them)
(some kid and his Dad walk up...animals still just lie there)
Kid: Aww, man!
Dad: Sorry son...guess the fair's left town already. You know how these carnies are.
Kid: Yeah... hey, look at that!
Dad: What is it, son?
Kid: Those animals! They look like the ones from that movie on the internet! Except for the donkey that shits all over them in the end!
Dad: A shitting donkey? Now that's something I'd pay good money to see!
Kid: Hey YOU! Animal babies!
(they all sit up and look over)
Kid: Yeah, you!
Cat: What's this piece of shit want from us?
Kid: You guys are famous! What are you doing here, lying around, starving?
Dad: Let me handle this son...
(Dad walks over to animals)
Dad: My name's Bob. I'm a booking agent for internet talent. Can I sign you boys for a live internet screening? There'll be a host of other online celebrities there, and it'll be great exposure for you. Whaddya say? I think I can get you into a skit with Bungi himself.
Kid: Whoa! THE Bungi? He makes me shit my pants!
Dad: Yes, son...and it's deals like this that buy you those pants. So what do you say, boys?
(they all stare blankly at him, dog rushes over and humps his leg)
Dad: Ha ha! Well, I'd call that a yes!
(they're all riding in the back of a gold Lexus!)
Gonna be on the INTERNET!
It's our best bet!
To settle our debt!
Gonna be on the INTERNET!
We're gonna be ALL SET!
(Cat:) What's the internet?
(Dog:) It's where people all go to be AWESOME together!
(Bunny:) Oh, is it a happy place?
(Dog:) Well, just let me tell you, pal...
There's acres of hot porno
Big tits from OUTER SPACE!
When I'm horny that's where I GO!
For my tingly PEE-PEE PLACE!
Gonna be on the INTERNET!
It's our best bet!
To get our dicks wet!
Gonna be on the INTERNET!
We're gonna be ALL SET!
(Bunny:) But how do we get there?
(Hamster:) Will there be clowns?
(Dog:) Nah, nah, nah.
It's not a place or person.
It's not a thing you see.
It's on something called a computer. (Bunny speaking: what's that?)
I think it's like TV...
It's got a typewriter thingy
That says words and something-things
You type in where you're going
And you get there magically...
GONNA BE ON THE INTERNET
Not on a jet...
But don't you fret...
GONNA BE ON THE INTERNET
(Dog speaking): All set!
(car driving into big city)
All animals: HOORAY! WHEE! YAY!!
(cut to: dressing room...Bungi and Bungi's agent Brian are having a discussion while Bungi primps in front of big mirror...Dudley is in chair next to him minding his own business)
Brian: This is huge, huge stuff, Bungi...a LIVE internet broadcast.
Bungi: Yes, surely the children will all be very happy. My cheeks are are moist with the tears of christian joy.
(he turns around...completely changes demeanor)
Bungi: This is DOGSHIT, Brian. Fuck this website, and fuck their pisshands stock options. This is the last fucking time I swallow the cum of corporate crapola. I walk after this, capiche?
Brian: Just one more, Bungi. All the network sponsors will be watching.
Bungi: If I don't at least get a pilot out of this, I'll make you suck my cock with your nose plugged.
Brian: That's great, man. YOU'RE the man.
Bungi: I AM the fucking man. Where my bitches at?
(Brian's cel phone rings)
Brian: Uh...bitches are coming after the show. Bitches and blow...you the man....
(Brian's trying to leave so he can take the call)
Bungi: What up? What, is your cel phone more important than your biggest client?
Brian: Uh...no, no...I'll only be a minute...
(he ducks into hallway)
Bungi (to self) Shit...muthafucka BETTER show me some reSPECT.
Dudley: You know, I remember a time when you DIDN'T sound like circa-1989 yo-MTV-raps.
Bungi: Shut the fuck up, foo!
Dudley: Sorry...you gonna pop a cap in my ass now? Get all New Jack City on me next?
Bungi: Don't even play right now.
Dudley: Right, right..."homey don't play that." I got it. I'll just be over here fashizzlin' my nizzle.
Bungi: Say what?
Dudley (sarcastic): Whoop! SORRY! My black-speak is too timely for you.
(Brain comes back in....looking very worried)
Brian: Uhhh...there's been a slight change of plans....there's some guest appearances in this episode. Nothing to worry about! We'll just stick 'em in the background somehwere, while you work your magic.
Bungi: Well, who is it, jive turkey?
Brian: Umm...just some farm animals. No turkeys.
Dudley: Ohmygod! Did you get those guys from that donkey shit video? Those guys rock out with their cocks out!
(Bungi looks back to Brian with an irate glare)
(Brian smiles back at him, terrified...Bungi folds his arms)
Bungi: Mmm-Hmmm...Just so they know I'M THE MUTHAFUCKA, OK, muthafucka?
Brain: Yes! With the muthafucka! ...dyno-MITE! R-E-S-P...P-C-P. Uh, YEAH! Gotta skate. We leave for the set in five. Good luck. Uhh...
(Brain hesistates, then takes off)
Bungi: Hmm-HMM. Sheeit.
(cut back to farm...donkey still tied up)
(jar of poo, bale of hay, and pinecone still piled atop one another, in that order.)
(Slowly, the bale of hay falls over, pinecone flops in front of donkey while bale knocks over pitchfork.)
(Pitchfork lands on pinecone, flipping it into air.)
(It ricochets off fallen tractor engine, into 2x4 holding up windowpane high up directly over donkey)
(Window pane crashes shut, shattering glass.)
(A big chunk plummets down and perfectly slices through ropes and shaving a white stripe down donkey's newly freed back!)
Donkey: Spit in my eye with acid and smack around Grandpa with an olive loaf! Ah'm free!!
(Pinecone lands and rolls near his feet)
Pinecone: You've got a job to do, don't you boy?
Donkey: Yes sir! I'm as happy as a floppering flip-flopping flugel horn, playing Yankee-Doodle---
Bale of Hay: SHUT YOUR GIBBERING CRUMPET HOLE and get the gasoline!
(cut to interior of movie-star tour bus....cat, dog, hamster, bunny, Bungi, Brian, and Dad agent are all hanging around...Bungi and Dudley are reading the script...warming up)
Bungi: I am the Great Pumpkin! I will make the children happy by bringing them toys on Halloween.
Dudley: We can't say that. We'll get our asses sued by the Snoopy guys!
Bungi: I'M THE WRITER, STAR, and DIRECTOR of the BIGGEST INTERNET COMIC ON EARTH.
Dudley: Yes! And you'll be the brokest one, too if you call yourself the Great Pumpkin!
Bungi: FINE! I'll say I'm THE GREAT PUMPKIN'S brother or something. HAPPY, BITCH?
Dudley: Oi geveldt...
Cat: Where are we going?
Dog (looking out window): Back to the farm, I think!
Dad agent: Yep....they want this Bungi Halloween special to happen where you guys made that video! It's gonna be barnyard shenanigans....right up your alley!
Bunny: What video?
Dad Agent: You know...the one where the bunny's smiling a lot and the hamster's bouncing on the donkey and....HEE HEE....he SHITS all over you guys! Heh heh! Too bad we couldn't get HIM for this, too. Can any of you other guys shit on cue?
(they all look at him)
Cat: Wait, wait. How did you see us doing all that?
Dad Agent: Some girl put it on her site...hmm...what was it called...OH! SALLY DANDY DOT COM.
Dog: Holy fuckballs!
Hamster: Does SHE have ripe nipples for me? I need to nurse!
Cat: Don't worry, hamster...we'll all be up to our NIPPLES in nipples before too long!
(Bus pulls up to barn)
(Film crew is unloading cameras...Bungi is in big pumpkin costume....Kevin Smith [name written on chair] sitting nearby)
Bungi (looking at script): What shall I do? Dudley, the children don't believe in me...except for that nice Linus boy.
Bungi: LINUS' BROTHER. Whatever. Kev, are we all set with this scene yet?
Kevin Smith: Gimme five more. I'm almost done with this sandwich.
Bungi: Man, get your fat bitch ass behind that camera and push the red button so we can put your bitch ass name on this bitch.
Kevin: All right, fine...
(he shlubs out of shair, leans over to camera on tripod, pushes button, and leans back into his lunch)
Kevin: Rolling, Bungi.
Bungi: IT'S NOT BUNGI NO MORE I SAID! IT'S THE ALIEN FORMERLY KNOWN AS BUNGI.
Dudley: Oh, Christ...not this again.
Kevin: Right. Sorry, Bungi. I mean...whatever. We're live to the world.
(show a few shots of kids watching on various computers around the world, including Sally on another computer, sitting in a dingy apartment)
Bungi: We on? Green. AHEM.
Brian (off cam): OH MY GOD!!!
(everyone looks over...the donkey has lit the satanic scarecrow ablaze with gasoline....the can is next to him with the cap off. He is dressed in a purple robe, wearing a pentagram around his neck...bale, pincone, jar all nearby too)
(He's trying to read the Necronomicon)
Donkey: RISE, MASTER! Mine it are my present to you for--
Bale of Hay (whispering loudly): We present to you these mortal offerings!
Donkey: We present to you these morbid masectomies!
Pinecone: Close enough! Now sacrifice the goat!
(Donkey nervously puts up finger to expectant crowd)
(Everyone is watching in awe...Kevin Smith's mouth full of sandwich hanging wide open...camera running)
(Sally gets right up close to her machine)
Sally: Hey! That's my farm! Those are my animals!
(Donkey leans over to his masters)
Donkey: Uh....Farmer Dandy SOLD Mr. Goat for twenty Taj Mahal Lucky Spots.
Bale of Hay: Well...shit...pretend I'M a goat!
Pinecone: No! Surely not!
Jar of Poo: Are you sure, old bean?
Bale of Hay: It's for the good of the cause...STRIKE DONKEY!
(Donkey lifts ceremonial dagger over bale of hay...looks over at book)
Donkey: I offer this...bale of goat...to our master so that he might rise and claim this Earth for his internal Dim Sum.
Pinecone: ETERNAL KINGDOM! KING-DOM!
Donkey: Uh...I ARE THE DUMB KING!
(everyone's very confused now)
Bale of Hay: Just fucking kill me.
Donkey: I does what I'm tole...
(He stabs the bale of hay)
Bungi: CUT! This isn't in the script! YOU! You're FIRED! Everyrone CLEAR THE SET! BACK ON THE BUS!
Cat: No! We need to finish this movie! We need to save our farm!
Bungi: Who is this punk ass? FUCK you, fuck your farm, and fuck this movie.
(meanwhile, behind him, the grounds starts to swell)
Donkey: Hey everyone! It's Satan!
(people are all backing away...Bungi isn't moving...he's just continuin his tirade oblivious to the impending apocolypse)
Bungi: Fuck the BUS, fuck the WORLD, fuck EVERYone. I'm the biggest star on Earth. I'm the muthafucka.
(SATAN bursts out of ground in fiery terror...Bungi's back is to him...everyone runs screaming)
(Bungi sees everyone running from him....he smiles satisfactorily)
Bungi: YEEah. 'Bout TIME you people showed me a little re-SPECT. GIT the fuck outta here! You BETTER run! You--
(Bungi finally turns around, sees Satan, and pisses)
(Satan unfurls his wings and lunges forward with a 300-foot, black, spikey tentacle)
(Bungi's ripped to shreds in a glorious violent display)
(Sally pulls up in her VW, gets out, sees Satan, screams)
(Satan grabs Sally like King Kong)
(Kevin Smith is just sitting in chair watching the whole thing wide-eyed and half-smiling, eating popcorn)
Dog: Wow...everyone on Earth really is gonna die! That's so cool!
Bunny: Well, I'm not to happy about THIS, I can tell you that much.
Hamster: I miss the friendly clowns...
Cat: It was never the FARM...it was SALLY...she's the one who fed us...she let us in and out at night to pee...SHE'S OUR HOME.
(Donkey comes over)
Donkey: Sorry I rose up a Satan on your pumpkin movie. Pinecone and jar of poo were bad friends. I love YOU.
(they all hug....meanwhile every human being in sight is being maimed and vivsected left and right....Satan grabs the bus and gets ready to smash Brian)
Brian (very pussy sounding screech): MOMMY!!!!
Dog: So what do we do? Cross the streams?
Cat: That only worked in Ghostbusters...and we don't even have lightning thingies anyway.
Bunny: No...but we have something far, far more powerful.
(Bunny looks at them and flashes a very cute smile)
(Satan's just about to put Sally into his gaping maw)
Hamster (off cam) Ahem...excuse me...
(Satan looks down at animals)
Hamster: A....is for ANIMALS...as friendly as can--
Dog: B....is for BABIES...far as the eye can--
Bunny: C...is for CUTENESS...as cute as we--
(record skips....song ends abruptly)
Dog: Fuck, it's not working!
Bunny: It's your fault, asshole!
Cat: Fuck you! It's YOURS! YOUR CUTENESS SUCKS!
(all five get into a big crazy tussle)
(Satan pauses, starts laughing...puts Sally down)
Donkey: Hey! He likes it! Hey Satan!
Cat: Quick everyone...new song!
(SONG!! Same melody as the nipples song)
(Show animation from RAB1 on various kids' computer screens)
Hamster: A is for ASS!
Dog: B is for BALLS!
Bunny: C is for CLAMHAT
Cat: D is for LYSDEXIA!
Donkey: E is for PANTS
Hamster: G is for GREEN!
Dog: 3 is for TRICYCLEs
Cat: 4 is FOR that's what it is!
(musical bridge...Satan's mouth is open and he's happily bouncing to music)
Hamster: SPLUNGE is for SPLUNGE!!
Donkey: HAM SALAD is for LUNCH!
Cat: XXX is tits and beer!
All: Y because we kill things
Dog: And Z is JUST be-CAUSE!!!
All: WATCH US DANCE!!!
(Back in barnyard...all animals dancing around)
Satan: Can I be your friend? I don't have any friends. I'm misunderstood.
Cat: Sure! We can all live together and eat candy!
(Sally runs over to animals)
Sally: You guys saved me! I love you!
(they all hug)
Sally: Hey, where's the hamster? WHOA somethin's in my shirt. YIPE!
(He pops out of her shirt between her breasts....with a big milk mustache)
Hamster: BEEEELLLCH...'scuse me!
(they all laugh...fade to black)
(during credits...show "where are they now" slides)
AND THEY LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER --(Animals, Sally, and Satan all together in her dingy apartment)
AT LEAST....THEY DID FOR A MONTH...Sally had a "no animals" clause in her lease so they all went their separate ways...
DOG went on to Hollywood and is now a successful adult film actor/director
BUNNY is resting comfortably at a sanitarium for the idiotically cheerful
FARMER DANDY won the lottery...and bought three million lottery tickets with his winnings
HAMSTER is hamstering somewhere
BUNGI is still quite dead
DONKEY is running for president (as a Democrat, naturally) and doesn't expect much in the way of competition....his running mate is a fork.
SALLY and CAT are still together, living in the happiest cardboard box ever.
SATAN consumed the Earth utterly...you are all dead but just don't realize it yet.
No part of this publication may be reprinted,
or used as dialog in any of your little Flash toons.
Copyright © 2004 David C. Lovelace, all rights reserved.